There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
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therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.