Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
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When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
guys I’m going home
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”