@nairamk: Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ??
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@Reverend_Scott: "I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty" It's fall?? "Ya, so what?" [leaves start attacking everyone] OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
@chinchillasaur: [graduation speech] all of our parents had sex during the same year and i think that's really great
@AngelaEhh: When people say 'oh, you're still single?' I like to reply with 'wow, you're still married?' I'm popular.
@Home_Halfway: Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.