Autocorrect completely socks
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I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.