PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
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I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
wow