Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
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[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
thank god
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.