Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
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Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.