Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
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Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
I think about this a lot
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad