Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
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[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
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put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”