“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
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society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Lol.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
How to make infinite energy.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.