ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
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These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
“I wouldn’t.”
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.