Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
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so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes