Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
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I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
Me when my alarm goes off
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*