Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
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I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
my mind
You just read my mind
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.