I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
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Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know