I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
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the clam before the storm
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.