I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
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mechanics be like
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Me trying to “trust the process”
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?