I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
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Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.