I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
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I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Google Pay be like:
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*