I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
You Might Also Like
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders