According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
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if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.