@ddsmidt: I'd be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
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@rodney_at_large: I saw your link on Facebook. What happened next will blow your mind.......I didn't open it.
@DirtMcTurd: When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper "yes, please don't stop" because people need to learn not to talk to me.
@Brampersandon_: [leaving a party] GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket