I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
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My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Why are bridges so flammable.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk