I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
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Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”