scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
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ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.