remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
You Might Also Like
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high