doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
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My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.