Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
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My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
BaD BoY!!
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction