@beefman138: I'd congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here's a sympathy card and a case of wine.
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@david8hughes: [police car behind me] Me: shit, was that a red light back there? My dog: like a light grey Me: ... My dog: if that helps
@AtticusFinch79: [murder scene] Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail SD2- Let's track him down *10 hours later* SD1-Damn that guy is fast
@Ohaiqtpie: I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I'll spell it Potassiumatie.
@iRowlf: I'd like to return this pack of gum. They taste awful. "Sir, those are Band-Aids." Oh, I'd like to return these Band-Aids. Someone ate some.