I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
You Might Also Like
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]