I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
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What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?