*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
You Might Also Like
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax