This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
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I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Bread puns are on the rise!
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.