I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
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Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
This story is comedy gold 😂
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.