and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
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Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
new shirt idea
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break