@TheNewDomShow: I'd get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
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@LosLos__: •phone call• Wife: Want a free couch? Me: Free? Yes! Wife: How do we pick it up? Me: Lift with your legs, not your back. Wife: *click*
@rickygervais: Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
@kellysdf: I thought I lost my car keys, but the NSA called and said they were in my other pants.
@WhiskeySoured: To protest Donald Sterling's racist comments I'm going to continue to not care about basketball.