@juneohara65: I'd get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend's hair care products.
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@Probgoblin: The barista can't deal with the man's 'Don't talk to me until I've had my coffee' shirt. Her mouth opens, then closes. The line grows.
@living_marble: It's six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
@mjkspeaks: [at airport] TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search. ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning