I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
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[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
beware of dog
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.