I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
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Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
I love wikipedia
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler