I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
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If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us