My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
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villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.