“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
You Might Also Like
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?