[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
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Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.