@CroweJam: "I'd hit that if I was drunk." - Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
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@causticbob: When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil. Worked a treat. Got me twenty years.
@Cpin42: According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
@FuckabillyRex: Sat cross-legged on the floor for 5 minutes and I guess I’ll never walk normally again.
@krisv_723: *annual sexual harassment seminar. Boss: We need more seats. Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit. Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.