“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
You Might Also Like
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
started wrapping my pills in cheese
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
That took me a moment.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes