“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
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*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE