Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
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IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
This is the one
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally