@WhiteMale: "I'd hit that!" -- me gazing at rock bottom
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@inpoliteco: If you're telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
@badteacher4u: Strangely enough, yelling "I have a masters degree!" at this electric wine opener is not helping me figure out how to make it work. Weird.
@Chumpstring: [robber pulls gun] ME: take my money but please don't hurt me i'm an only child MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he's lying he has a brother
@samuelhlowe: Asked my Ouija board if I was getting laid tonight & the pointer keeps gliding back & forth between the H & the A. It's been over an hour.