feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
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Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.