I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
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No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.