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@BertCarrillo: I'd jump in front of a gently tossed beach ball for you.
@Sassafrantz: Dear Diary, men think about sex every 7 seconds. I do that with pizza.
@704919828: Apparently googling "how to get suspended with pay" from my work computer is frowned on by my employer.
@WilliamAder: I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
@TheTweetOfGod: I care more about the outcome of sporting events than any other aspect of human existence.
@edana_irish: Girls go to the bathroom together because that's where we rap battle