Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
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The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY