I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
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Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?