“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
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Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.