I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
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I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26