“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
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Never ghost your hitman.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Not all heroes wear capes…
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔