“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
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Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
accurate
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Sign of the day..
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …